About Shandi Beever

ShandiBeever | |



By CALUM FOSSIL:
Shandi Beever is an entertainer and model, who is best known for a debacle during which her urine was lost by the Metropolitan Police. Despite the force's heavy complement of detectives, Shandi's urine has still not been found.

Shandi has provided interactive chat services on the UK channel Quixie TV, as well as reading isolated news bulletins for the organisation's current affairs wing in instances where the scheduled newsreader failed to turn up for work. She was shortlisted to front a promotional campaign for a toilet roll manufacturer and was leading the public vote, but was sent to prison before the voting concluded, and disqualified from the competition.

Shandi was also disqualified from a no-makeup selfie contest, for wearing makeup.



Among many other important contributions to the world of advertising, Shandi Beever served as the poster girl for Tommy Tank Insurance. Now bankrupt, the company provided a means for phone sex customers to guarantee that, in the event they should die of masturbation, the models they regularly called would not lose income. The £10 per month fee was considered reasonable by subscribers, and the scheme was popular. However, a sharp rise in the number of customers dying of masturbation meant the company could not cover costs, and the scheme folded.



In 2015, after a news site alleged that Shandi Beever's fans predominantly comprised poorly educated males with appalling dress sense, Shandi and her agent Kevin Short set up a Wikipedia page to list any of her fans who wore suits. Due to the fact that most fans coming forward to be listed were wearing a suit jacket but no trousers or underpants, and had either a sock or a cake covering their penis, Shandi was forced to issue the following statement...

"Look… PLEASE GRASP THAT THE PURPOSE OF THIS EXERCISE IS TO MAKE IT APPEAR THAT MY FANS ARE VAGUELY NORMAL. IT IS A LIST OF FANS WHO WEAR SUITS – NOT A LIST OF FANS WITH SOCKS AND CAKES OVER THEIR PENISES…"

Shandi is currently the registered owner of three MLM schemes, two of which have been declared insolvent.



In June 2018, Shandi published tweets (including the above screen shot of her incoming email) which suggested she may have attacked her fan and 'boyfriendship plan' subscriber Richard Lingham with a Powerpoint projector screen. Asked to explain why she attacked Lingham with a projector screen, she replied:

"Because I didn't have a gardening fork."

[UPDATE: Shandi insists that she was attempting to incapacitate a wasp with the projector screen, and that Richard Lingham simply obstructed the path of her swatting motion seven consecutive times because he has poor spatial awareness. Lingham accepts this and has apologised for getting in the way.]